My Mother…… so many different ways to describe her. When I was younger, she was normal. But after our accident, she wasn’t my Mom anymore. She just changed… and I know this happens in a traumatic situation, but this was far from traumatic. But that will come later. When my Mom was pregnant with me, her doctors told her she should abort me because I could kill her. She obviously ignored them. Later they told her I would never walk and would be a vegetable. Again, they were wrong. I was in the hospital for an extended amout of time when she had me because I wouldn’t gain weight. It turned out they had me on the wrong formula. I did have and always have had problems with my legs and knees. I had to wear special shoes like the ones in Forest Gump because my feet turned in. Ive seen a few pictures of me wearing them. I didn’t look too happy about either lol. My Mom never let me forget that she didn’t abort me even when the doctors told her to. Whenever I was being bad or just plain nasty she would bring that up then say, “But I guess that doesn’t matter to you.” For then first few hundred times she said that, her guilty trip worked. But as I got older, I became numb to it. After all, you can only play the same mind games over and over before it stops bothering a person. Growing up I know my Mom kept a very neat and tidy house. She cooked dinner but I can’t remember eating dinner with my family until after the divorce. I’ve always wondered why I have very few memories of my childhood before the divorce. I was only 6 when they filed for divorce so maybe I was too young to retain any? There was one time my Grandparents were staying with us and my parents were gone, I assume to work, and I clearly see a dark green plastic cup stuffed into one of my Mom’s high heels. It was the funniest thing, my brother and I laughed a long time about that! When we would go to church, she would put me in cute frilly dresses with shiny dress shoes and put up my hair. I hated dressing up (still do to some degree even now) but she desperately wanted little girl she could dress up and put ribbons in her hair. I guess that was a disappointment for her since I’d rather be in jeans and a tshirt glued to my Daddy’s side. Later on, she had my sister and she dressed her up and made her all girlie. Better her than me tho. When we were in Church, we were expected to be quiet and behave thru the sermon. Dad was a Deacon and Mom was in the choir. I would draw the entire sermon but I’m pretty sure I was good. Sunday lunch was usually a big deal. I’m pretty sure we ate at my Grandma and Papa’s house. It was usually country fried steak, mashed potatoes, corn and other sides. I know I would go to choir practice with my Mom….one time I was climbing over the pews on the left side and fell face first between the pews, serves me right for doing that anyhow! I know for a fact that my Mom worked at place called Cerami Corner. They made ceramics there, this is where she met Phillip, my Step-Dad and soon to be baby sister’s Dad. From what I was told she started seeing him way before the divorce. Phil was the main reason they divorced but, again that is what I have been told. Mom would bring him to our house and go into what was the room my parents shared. With my room being across from theirs, I could hear them. I may have been young, but I wasn’t dumb, I knew what was going on and it made me so mad! They would try to sneak out of the bedroom hours later their clothes and hair a mess. I was usually in my bedroom, so I always noticed how weird it was that their lips were blue and purple. to this day, even as an adult, I haven’t figured that out. Things were never the same after the divorce naturally.
I didn’t get to be in my Mom’s wedding to Phil. In a way, my little sister was, she was pregnant with her. (Although, I cant say anything, I was pregnant the first time I was married)They took off to Indiana and got married there I think. I’ve seen pictures of the wedding but don’t remember it. I do however remember being here when they renewed their vows. All 3 of us were there as well as friends and a little family. It was in our backyard. It was beautiful. The theme was medieval times because they were so into that back then. Long colorful dresses, bright, huge flowers, and my Mom walked under a canopy of swords. I know this sounds weird but it was beautiful… guess you had to be there to appreciate it.
I think that’s the last time I remember being happy or part of my family. I was the weird one,the one they blamed for everything even when it obviously wasn’t me that did it. My little sister litterally scrached MY NAME into the passanger side of the car. I was blamed for it even tho it was clearly her hand writing not to mention,she put a period after my name….she always did that when she wrote names. I know that as a kid growing up most kids at some point think life sucks and that their parents hate them,but it went on until I moved out. There are so many stories…I will save them for later tho.
My Mom….she showed me how to stand on my own and how not to depend on a man. And that’s not because she lived that way. She was quite the opposite. She always had to have a man to take care of her…to pay her way. She is not like that now..my ways have rubbbed off on her I guess. I love her as much as my Dad, but I’ve learned I can’t be like her. I don’t want to be alone later in life with no real way of taking care of myself and depending on my kids to save me. I miss my old Mom..the happy woman whonever left the house without doing her hair and makeup. The woman that dressed in purple and always smelled so good. I don’t know the woman that’s in my Mom’s body now. No matter how she is I will always love her.